Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
