I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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