you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
