3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
