So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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