Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
