so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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