Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
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maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
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stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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