Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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