So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
