I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
