This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
