textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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