just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
