Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
