So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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