My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I could fuck to npr.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
