I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
