Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
