I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
