The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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