she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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