Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
