i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
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I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
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I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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