I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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