i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
