the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
