Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
