regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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