i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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