guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
