WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
