I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Randomize
