I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We had to coat check the pizza.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
