two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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