My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
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One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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