On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
