We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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