I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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