checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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