I seem to have left my pride at pride
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
