Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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