The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
