His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
