So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
