2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
