Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
