remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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