I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
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The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
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I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
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