Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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