i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
farters have to be the big spoon...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
