god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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