12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
