almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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