May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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