My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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