True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
