I puked a lego.
I just threw up on my dentist
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
