i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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