Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
