I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
