You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
