quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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