OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
